So i need to vent. Sunday Nov. 20th I'm cooking an early thanksgiving for my family that's still in CA with me and a part of hubby's family. I have a Mom and 2 sisters. Jennifer is the 2nd oldest and then there is Holly ages 19 and 16. Jennifer has gone down a path that i have tried so hard to keep here from going down with drugs and alchol and now i am trying to save my Lil sis from the same but its hard when she pushes me away and acts like I don't even matter to her. The only time i hear from my family is if they need something or when one of my sisters are in the hospital for trying to take there life or messed up with running away or the cops.
In most family's the one who is bad is the black sheep, well in my case I am the black sheep for fighting to not go down the same path of generations of my DNA. I say DNA cause both my parents where adopted, but where born to druggies and crinamels. Dad was born early as a crack baby and moms mom died of heroin when she was 3 and her dad was in jail for robbing banks.
My dad has been gone since i was in 5th grade, mom left him in IL when she found out he was going to kidnap my sisters and I. Hes been in and out of jail all my life and i was the one always the one with him when he was drunk and high on something, i was always there when he was arrested, the House was raided, cops knew me by name, always there to watch my mom get beat up then to take it my self when i would step in. Some times i would have to walk home at night by myself when i was little when the cops would take him. My sisters never saw what went on around for they were to young or we hide them in the bedroom.
Mom stopped doing drugs and drinking when she almost lost me while preggo. My mom is also hard of hearing in one ear from her moms bf punching her in the ear when she was 3. She tries hard to raise us but she couldn't ever really understand how to once we got older and she always depended on me to raise my sisters.
when i was 14 I had enough and my mom and i got into a fight when she punched me and left marks on my face, that's when i refused to go home and went into the system. It was not easy I was on my own times i was a run away to get out of a house when the worker refused to move me. My worker said i should have been a lawyer for I knew how to argue and get a pint across and how to use the systems loop holes when they weren't doing their job. I tired to help my sisters but in order to help i had to help my self first.
when i was 16 Jennifer started going now hill with the gangs and every thing. each time she ran away i went looking for her, each time she needed me i tried to be there, I tried so hard for a year but her friends just kept her going and I just moved in with my foster mom Jane( love her so much she was there like no one was for me even when i started to fall to pieces she held me up and fought for me and never once did she not believe me or in me when i told the workers my sisters were in trouble and the workers kept telling her i was the problem. Jane was always there and saw everything and she even defended me to the workers saying i was right about my mother not being able to raise my sisters, she was the mom i never had she was my rock.). ne ways when Jennifer turned 14 she went into rehab for almost a year she got out when she was 15 and 8 months preggo and if it wasn't for rehab i do not know how my niece would have came out when she was born. I was almost 18 took my GED and was working and going to collage. I gave up collage since my classes ended up being on the same days as family days at rehab and when my mom refused to go i was there taking the part of being mom and even was the one who did the parent part at rehab, i was the one who brought her, her things. I was there for her!!!
Jennifer came home and had her daughter and i was there the same day she was born and every day she was in the hospital. Jennifer was doing real good I thought she was okay. I moved to Alaska since my fiance was stationed there and everything went down hill our relationship fell apart for reasons i don't know she had her 2nd child.
I got phone call that holly was going down the same path and my husband and i tried to get her to move and live with us but my mom refused because she wouldn't get the money she got for holly any more. I tried my best to talk to her and show her what i could from a far. After 2 1/2 years we moved home. It was like i no longer was apart of the family they ignored me but i still fought to save holly and still try. Since we have been home( its been a year) i have gotten 3 calls of holly being in the hospital for trying to take her life, and those calls would break me but i had to be strong i still do cause when i think of my sisters i know that call of one of them being gone is going to come and i start crying. Holly has run away lots of times and i try to find her and show her how life can be how she can fight for a different life. When she would stay the night here she would say my husband i are weird cause we don't yell, curse, and hit each other, she thought that wasn't normal and that is sad. We would take her camping, to amusement parks, give her a real Christmas but she wont fight for a different life.
I blame myself alot for leaving them, for not fighting harder even when i know i have done everything i could, i blame myself for having the power to fight and not them they should have it to! why i am i the only one with it why I'm i the only one to make it out why me and not them!!! If i could give them my will power i would in a heart beat!!
Now i feel alone because they don't think of me as family, and it hurts so bad sometimes i just want to give up and drink away the pain but i know if i do i may not stop and don't want to chance it. The people that i look to for strength every time i need it when it comes to my family is my son and husband they are the ones holding me together, i love them with all my heart and will not let that path to be apart of us.
